How to heal and move forward from a break-up
“For me, becoming isn’t about arriving somewhere or achieving a certain aim. I see it instead as a forward motion, a means of evolving, a way to reach continuously toward a better self. The journey doesn’t end.”
2019 was my year in transition. I left my marriage of 5 years (relationship of 7) and I had to figure out how to untangle my life while away from close family and with just a handful of good friends. To say the least, it has not been easy but now that I am on the other side, I have had some time to reflect. Firstly, I am no longer stressed and unhappy. Secondly, I’ve learned so much about myself and others which in turn have made me work on aspects of myself that I did not like. Thirdly, I forgot who I was at the core. I had been compromising my goals and values to the point where I had become someone I no longer recognised. So I had to rediscover who I am and who I want to be. Finally, I am enjoying this journey and loving the woman who I am becoming. When I was going through some of my most difficult times, I read a lot of stories from women who had similar experiences and it was comforting to know I was not alone. I thought by sharing what I’ve learned from this experience I might help someone else during their year in transition.
Key Take-aways
Don’t be a Hostage to your Secret(s). Of course, you shouldn’t tell everyone you know your personal business when you are going through a tough time, but it doesn’t mean you need to lie to protect your secrets either. Lying to others will only make you feel worse. It takes double energy to keep up the lie and pretend that everything is perfect when in fact you’re struggling. It’s not worth it. When I was going through my difficult period, there were sometimes when I may have drank a little too much at an event and ended up spilling all my problems (DON’T DO THAT) but even if you do from time to time, it’s okay. Hell, we all go through things. Most people are compassionate and won’t judge. The best approach to avoid having a slippery tongue at inappropriate times is to manage your drinking or whatever vices that may cause you to have word-vomit. Try practicing simple responses that will summarise your struggles without giving too much detail (unless you want to). Here’s an example, “I’m going through a difficult time right now in my personal life, I’d rather not discuss it further at this time. No need to worry, I’m sure it will all be okay in the end. Thank you for your concern.” Honestly, it’s easy to tell which people are just fishing for gossip rather than those who have genuine concern. This leads me to my next point.
“I’m going through a difficult time right now in my personal life, I’d rather not discuss it further at this time. ”
Cancel Toxic People (and keep your circle tight). The biggest lessons you’ll learn is who you can trust, who you can count on, and most importantly who has your best interests at heart. This is also the time when people will reveal their true colours. Take note and slowly distance yourself. There might be some people who trigger bad emotions and destabilise your mood. Those people need to be avoided. Later you will determine who should be temporarily cut-off until you are at a place where you can reintroduce them into your life and those who deserve to be permanently removed. There are some people who are not necessarily toxic, but they just may not add any value to your life at your most vulnerable time. It’s always difficult to let some relationships go, but trust me, you’ll be much better off. Nothing should be more important to you, especially during this time, than your mental health. So, ditch the toxic people and maintain relationships that are worth it.
“Nothing should be more important to you, especially during this time, than your mental health. ”
Protect your Mental Health and Seek Professional Help. Putting yourself first is hard work. My anxiety was preventing me from getting on with everyday activities. I did not know how I would recover. It was incredibly difficult. I sought the help of two doctors over the course of a year— a general practitioner (GP) and senior psychologist. Together they helped me overcome mental illness. I am really glad that people (especially people of colour) are taking the stigma away from mental health conditions. I mean when you have a stomach-ache that turns out to be an infection, it is completely normal to go to the doctor and get prescribed medication to cure the infection. Why can’t we apply the same logic to mental illness? It’s not any different. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with seeking professional help when your mental health is in trouble and accepting you may need medication to cure anxiety or depression or whatever mental health condition that requires medication. I don’t regret seeking the medical attention I needed to help me recover.
“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with seeking professional help when your mental health is in trouble.”
Pray. I pray and I pray a lot. Prayer got me through so much. It was prayer that gave me strength and kept me going. I revived my relationship with Christ and my faith is at its strongest. But let me be clear, prayer alone does not solve your problems. You have to put in the work. They say, “God helps those who help themselves” right? I had to be smart and work very hard to pick myself up and rebuild my life. Prayer is a catalyst, not a magic potion.
“God helps those who help themselves right?”
Forgive. I know it’s easier said than done but this is a really important step in your healing. You have to forgive your former partner for any wrongdoing and also forgive yourself. At this stage, it doesn’t matter who is to blame. The only thing that matters now is that you free up the headspace it takes to be angry, regretful, or sorry for the circumstances that caused the break-up. You certainly don’t have to forget the experience or mend the previous relationship to become friends. Heck, you can wish to never see the other person again. It takes far too much energy to be unforgiving so forgive and move on. This is for your own good. BUT only when you are absolutely ready. This may take months but don’t let it take years.
“The only thing that matters now is that you free up the headspace it takes to be angry, regretful, or sorry for the circumstances that caused the break-up. ”
Find a Purpose. Finally, discover or rediscover what your purpose is. This is the time to plan what you want to do with your life moving forward. For me, it was pursuing a Ph.D. Over the last 3-4 years I had aspirations to apply to a Ph.D. programme because I had been working in academia for a few years and held previous research positions. I wanted to do it but there was always something (or someone) who was holding me back. It took this transition period (and my annoying yet brilliant sister-friend Mardieh) to really motivate me to apply. Having this goal ahead of me helped me to stay focus on something other than my problems. It also encouraged me to imagine a new life beyond this difficult time. I worked really hard to finally be admitted to one of the world’s most prestigious universities. Accomplishing this during one of the most difficult times in my life gave me REAL purpose. I am so proud of myself. So whatever it is that you always wanted to do, maybe become an author, start a business, finish that degree you never finished, use this transition period to find your purpose.
“This is the time to plan what you want to do with your life moving forward.”
Remember every disappointment is a blessing. Disappointments allow us to re-evaluate what is most important. It is certainly not easy to get passed a break-up but with patience, hard work, and resilience, you too can overcome a break-up and transition into someone greater. Never underestimate your worth and ALWAYS value your happiness.
“Never underestimate your worth and ALWAYS value your happiness. ”
~Signed Chantal Victoria — Writer, Publisher, and Academic.
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